taking a look back to see the future

well today i was thinking about all the things i have done to keep myself going. i have worked many dead-jobs. i have also tried to go to two diffeent colleges but did not graduate from either one. well i never said that i completed things very well. lol antway whats next? i really need to get myself together. how can i possible want to bring a child in this world and not know where i am in it. i know that i like crafty thins but that has not gotten me very far so far. but i know that i have a purpose so one day everything will come together and i willprosper and shine so bright that everyone will see me for who i am.

A new day

Today i guess you can say it was ok. i am finally over the whole cycle thing which is a good thing. i guess it is just me, but when you are trying to get pregnant everybody else is. But so many of my friends and family would be like i didn't know anybody who was pregnant when they were. Every time i go to the store there is always somebody out there with a big belly. Even though right now i couldn't afford to have a house full of kids, but you can dream cant you. most people who have kids they wonder why anybody would want and go through so much to try and have one. but when you don't have any and you want them its like the chocolate cake in the glass box with no key. you see it and want it, try to put it out your mind and move on but then someone moves the box right in front of you and you cant stop thinking about it. especially when you are married and otherwise things are ok in your life and you are still feeling like something is missing. you cant explain the feeling of sadness you get when your cycle comes(it doesnt help when you know the week is going to hellish. my day will come!!!!!!!!

not my day

well where should i begin. the day before i was feeling kinda funny so i knew my cycle was coming soon. i had plans to go out of town and visit family and didn't want to change my plans but knew that the first day is always the worst but i took the chance. i made sure i had my extra big napkins so that i wouldn't make a mess so i thought. anyway i go out of town and get to my uncles house where me and my husband are to spend the night in my uncles bedroom. well as the evenings goes on i go through about 4 infinity extra large(bigger than the over night pads) in about 3 hrs so i know I'm heavy. plus with every change i see bigger and bigger clots. until i see one the size of my hand and it scares me so i ask my husband what he thinks and he looks at the clot and about throws up. he said you need to go to the hospital. lol. i don't know what he thinks the doctor is going to do my gyn says there is nothing other than surgery. i have tried birth control doesn't work. and since i don't have any kids and we want children a dnc is not a smart option. so I'm making a mess everywhere and have messed up my clothes and my night clothes. i drift off to sleep thinking i have myself covered I'm laying on a towel and have two overnight pads on. i wake up a hr later to find myself a complete utter mess and the towel didn't work the bed is a mess and i only have one more outfit to where. time to go to the store. oh did i forget the pain yes the cramps were bad but i had more pressing issues to deal with. so i clean myself up and go to the store thank God for 24 hr walmart's. i had to go get depends undergarments to wear. i cant believe that i am 34yrs old and wearing depends for my cycle. on top of it all i have messed up my uncle bed and have to wash everything, the sheets the bed cover and all. wow what a day. now that it is 6am the day really hasn't started yet and I'm light headed and craving ice that i cant eat because I'm cramping. but mmmmm chocolate saves the morning from complete devastation. did i say mother nature can have her gift back. RETURN TO SENDER. mess on top of mess that was my night and all day. when i finally got home the next day all i could do was get in my bed with my diaper on and go to sleep. that was 6 days ago and its not as bad but still here. at least no more diapers. RETURN TO SENDER. had a similar day post back. i laugh now but wow what day.

can anyone tell mother nature that I want a return to sender. I know that I'm not the only woman out there that feels like a river runs thru them at least one day out of the month. I am light headed and feeling like I need a blood transfusion. The doctors have no new news so. what can I do? If you have any home remedies that could possibly help. please write back.